Ummm...Yeah.

So after reading some comments on yesterdays post, re-reading what I wrote and hearing it all day from my friends, husband and mom...I think that maybe I need to learn how to express what I'm feeling better.

The main thing I wanted to get across, I think, was the fact that I am not perfect.
In any form of the word.
I feel like in the posts previous, that I had posted a lot of things that I feel good about as a mom, the no-tv thing, the whole wheat, the cloth diaper choice, my small crafty things I have been doing...
I have read other blogs where I read them and see all the things they are doing, and it makes me feel like I'm not doing enough.
I didn't want anyone to feel that way, when they looked at my blog.
I wanted everyone to know, that although I usually only post the good stuff that is going on, there are things that I am not doing great at.

I think I gave the impression, yesterday, that I was completely depressed.
Yes the truth of the matter is that I have been feeling a little down on myself lately.
It's not an uncommon theme for me in June.
I have gotten that way every year since we moved to Oregon as the end of the school year approaches, and the countdown begins to when Zachary and Ryeleigh come to our house.
I go into complete stress-out mode.
I know it, and everyone around me knows it.
I can't help it, it happens every year.
I am not super in the ways of patience, and I am not overly affectionate to anyone but my own babies. I wish I was like my mother-in-law, who can hug and kiss and cuddle with any child, and have unconditional love for everyone.
I feel like I fall short in the area of being a step-mom more than in any other area of my life.
Trying to plan out the days, the sleeping situations, what needs to happen to make sure the kids feel welcome, yet not like they are on vacation, so that they feel like this is their home too, that they get their reading in, and their spirituality, their play time, their bonding time with dad, the squished in as much as we can get full on family time, menu's that please at least most of those eating each night, trying to budget in the extra people for food for those weeks, all while not disturbing too much the lives of the kids that live here year round.
As much fun as it can be-it's a change every year.
And this change equals stress to me, and at least one of my babies I see it affecting in a stressful way as well.

So the whole thing with me feeling inadequate...will be over, usually around the end of July.
When I can look back on the past 6 weeks and say, we had a fun summer, minimal fighting, we grew closer as a family and I miss those kids in our home. I fed them all, took them to do fun things, they learned from me, and I from them.
It's always a positive experience, but one that stresses me out like nothing else can, and causes me to go into a bit of a depression about how much I fall short.

Really, unless you have step-kids of your own, or are one yourself...
...I don't think you can even begin to understand what it's like.
It's a tug of war with my heart each summer, and throughout the year as well.
It's a hard situtation for everyone involved, Chad, Zach and Ryeleigh especially, and of course their mother who has to ship them off for 6 weeks each year, a thought that makes me ache inside, the thought of having my babies away from me that long, wretch!
Then there are my kids, the kids' grandmas and cousins and then me, we're all affected in a big way, and it's hard.
Trying to find the balance of structure, heartache, and love.
If there is such a thing.