To Trae-on his way to the Navy

Bill's (somewhat unofficial) Guide to Surviving Boot Camp

1. When you arrive at the base, there will be a big steaming pile of self-esteem just outside the gate.Drop yours off too. You can pick it up when you leave.
2. Show up in your best clean underwear. Everyone's gonna see 'em, and they'll probably make you mail 'em home.
3. They'll probably have you write a letter home immediately to let your family know you got there OK and to pass on your mailing address. This may seem an awful lot like those forced public statements of POWs, but it's not. Really!
4. A wise old proverb states "if you can't improve upon the silence, don't speak." As far as bootcamp is concerned, however, you'll quickly discover endless possibilities for improvement. But shut up anyway!
5. I think body lice prefer to travel downhill. Get a top bunk. Far from the bathroom. Preferably above some rich kid from some clean state. Connecticut maybe.
6. Never be first.. .or last... .for anything. That includes the chow line, showers, lining up for immunizations... anything!
7. Remember—military doctors usually didn't turn down a position at Johns Hopkins. When Commander Edward Scissor fingers tells you to turn your head and cough, do so in a smooth, fluid motion, avoiding any intense body-jarring spasm.
8. S.O.S. for breakfast is an acquired taste. Acquire it quickly. And try to avoid referring to it as baked vomit. They don't like that.
9. They'll call for volunteers quickly, primarily to identify the stupid people. Don't be an idiot!
10. Don't be the worst at anything you do as a group.
11. Don't be the best at anything you do as a group.
12. Chapel seems to beat the heck out of anything else they'll have you doing on Sunday mornings. Go to church.
13. If your government issue underwear suddenly doesn't seem to fit, remember that everyone's looks identical. Think about it.
14. If you think things can't get any worse, wait a few minutes.
15. There's always at least one person during the first week or so, who'll make comments like "This ain't so bad" or "Piece of Cake!" or "Bring it on!" By the second or third week if you can't sleep and you're in the mood for a late night chat, you'll likely find them on their hands and knees scrubbing toilets with their toothbrush.
16. And speaking of toothbushes, the Reach brand is particularly useful. They're angled you know.
17. Don't put anything in your pockets that you wouldn't want in your mouth. Believe me, mail doesn't taste so good.
18. If you get an easy assignment, make it look as difficult as you can get away with. And try to lookas miserable as possible doing it. Drill Instructors eat that up.
19. You're right-forty or so guys sharing one bathroom doesn't smell so good. Get over it.
20. Contrary to popular advice, ALWAYS let 'em see you sweat.
21. Learn a lesson from the gazelle. Always travel in groups and stay in the middle.
22. You won't forget how to drive. Really! But by the time you leave, you'll think that any travel faster than 5 mph or so is truly an amazing thing.
23. Take comfort in the fact that everyone else there is as miserable as you are. Except maybe for the hairlip from Tennessee. There's always one.
24. You'll shave so close that you'll wear off the first few layers of face. It'll grow back.
25. Avoid the common pitfall of comparing yourself with others. It's cold, and a certain amount of shrinkage is normal.
26. No matter how bad things get, remember that only about 4 or 5 guys die each year in boot camp. The odds are in your favor.
27. In the unlikely event you find yourself bored, you might consider presenting your Company Commander with a formal list of grievances. That should do the trick.
28. By Week 3, and no matter how compassionate you are, other people's misery will likely be your only source for quality entertainment. There's something hysterically funny about a naked guy being chased by a jeep at 3 AM. That's funny—I don't care who you are. Unless it's you, but remember, they're laughing with you...
29. When you get depressed, try and cheer yourself up with thoughts of home, family, and friends. If you can, try to imagine we're all as miserable as you are. I guarantee we won't be, but it'll giveyou something to think about while you're spit shining something. And never forget the lesson that Blake has taught us all recently. This too shall pass!

(A little Post Script to the last one: Our friend Blake was recently released from the hospital, for a rather gruesome procedure, but is now doing well!)